God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
