I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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