he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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