I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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