my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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