just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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