She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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