I'm gonna have a badass scar
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
