I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
