I looked at my own cervix.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
