I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
