i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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