Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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