Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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