I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
