Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
