No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
