You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
