Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
