Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
