I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
where are my pants?
in the oven.
A bitchslap is in order.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
