using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
