I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
