every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think your dad took our porno
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
