im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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