Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
