so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
