thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
