dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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