I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
