Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
