There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize