This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
