ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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