Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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