Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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