You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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