I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
