You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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