stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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