So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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