I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
