why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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