Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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