too bad you live with your parents still
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
