last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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