He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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