Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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