Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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