I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
