Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
be right there i have to get my cape
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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