He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
