i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
