but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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