i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
