please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
