guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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