im about as happy as oj after his trial
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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